The Killing Moon
by ms asphyxia
Summary: [One Shot] TatsuhaxRyuichi. It was a thin thread that kept them together, but Tatsuha clung to it desperately.


Tatsuha didn't understand it then and he didn't understand it now. 

The night that it had happened had been the best night of his life, and the morning after, the worst morning ever.

It all began with him bolting out of a dream, laying on a somewhat familiar couch that smelt of cigarettes and strawberry. The knock on the door alerted him out of deep sleep. It took a moment for his sleep-fogged mind to put together that he was in Eiri's apartment, alone.

He was 'housesitting' for Eiri and Shuichi while the two went off on a shotgun vacation to a hot spring somewhere up north. Eiri hadn't wanted to go. Watching the last resistance of his grumpy brother before Shuichi pulled him out of the door was infinitely entertaining to him and Tatsuha stored Eiri's expression away for later amusement and taunting. In truth, Tatsuha was grateful to get out of his house- he had felt the onset of suffocation within the confines of his traditional home and temple. After a while, the duties of a young monk were too repressive for him and he was delighted to get out of the house and travel to Tokyo, even if it was just to stay in Eiri's apartment for a few days.

Buttoning up the jeans he had loosened to get comfortable before napping, he raked a hand through his hair and only succeeded in messing it up more. There was no time to fix it for the better because the knock had become insistent, demanding.

The door slipped from his grasp when he flung it open, mind already numb when he came face to face with fierce, familiar eyes. Eyes that he had studied in posters, in pictures, and on screen for years. Only the bang of the door against the wall startled him out of his waking stupor.

Ryuichi wore his stage expression, eyes dark and serious, intent. There had been no concert tonight (which Tatsuha would have known about because he would have been in attendance, housesitting be damned), but Ryuichi was dressed as if he were about to go on stage. The leather pants were tight, cut low so that the fine bone of his hips jutted out dangerously. It had been the first thing that Tatsuha noticed because his eyes were always drawn there naturally. He'd never wanted to touch anything more in his life. Ryuichi white t-shirt was tight and short to expose a line of flat, toned stomach.

Tatsuha was breathless just looking at it. His head filled with all manner of hormonal visions, of sliding his fingers over that expanse of flesh, caressing it, folding this tongue and flicking it inside of Ryuichi's tight bellybutton.

It was like all five years of his love had finally culminated into this fantasy. All of his prayers were being answered, years of aching want and desire finally delivered. Tatsuha marveled that he could feel so heavy and so light at the same time. His heartbeat was unbearably loud, breath quick before greetings were even made. It was hard to come to terms with your God, the love of your short life, standing before you with a hungry and utterly confusing expression. There weren't numbers enough in infinity to count the times Tatsuha had prayed for his very thing.

Tatsuha struggled to come up with some form of formal expression, but couldn't force words out- not when his throat was so thick.

Ryuichi moved like water, like he was fluid or smoke that claimed the air and space more than cut through it. Since Tatsuha was recognizably useless, Ryuichi took it upon himself to reach for the far door and close it for them. Plunged into silence and darkness, Tatsuha swallowed hard, body hot and coiled.

"Hey, Tatsu…" Ryuichi drew out the U in his name. It was a playful tone, but not the tone of the 'Child' Ryuichi. There was something darker underneath it, adult and striking. It made his heart skip a beat and then thud, hard.

Ryuichi sounded like he was taunting him.

He managed a nod. Not too smooth for an Uesugi. His pride would suffer later when the full weight of this inept beginning came back to him.

"There's no one at home to play with. Tohma told me that you were housesitting for Eiri when I asked him where Shuichi was," Ryuichi explained, his voice low and his head down, watching Tatsuha's feet as they backed up with polite desperation to give Ryuichi room to walk. He pressed forward without consideration for how fast Tatsuha could move backwards.

Something that Tatsuha noticed next surprised him: Kumagorou wasn't with Ryuichi. It was rare to see him without his bunny stuffed somewhere on his body. In Ryuichi's tight clothes, there was nowhere to hide the lump of fabric and stuffing.

Tatsuha resisted every last impulse to grab Ryuichi and drop him to the floor. Even with his lust cresting, he couldn't shake the feeling that something was wrong, something was strange and abnormal about Ryuichi. But, this side of Ryuichi was so sexy he couldn't bring himself to ask Ryuichi if he was alright.

There was a tension in the air, something dynamic that made him feel like any second the world would explode. Like when electricity built up the moment before lightening struck, when you felt your hair lift from your neck and your body tingled. It felt like expectation to Tatsuha, like Ryuichi was waiting.

Or maybe it was him who was waiting.

In the end, it was him who made the first move. He found Ryuichi's body unhesitant as it responded. Tatsuha wrapped his arms around Ryuichi's waist, hands slipping easily up the tight t-shirt, lifting it up as he did. Ryuichi's naked skin was hot, burning through his fingers and palms. It was so soft. Underneath it, Ryuichi's bones and muscles were firm and taunt, masculine and athletic. Tatsuha committed this to memory before his mind went again from the sensation of Ryuichi's eager mouth on his own. This was nearing about all Tatsuha could stand, but he held on for the sake of the moment, for the sake of finally being given what he'd always wanted. For one second, he even imagined that he was asleep and would soon wake up messy below the waist, gratefully whispering that he was glad he was alone as he shuffled to the bathroom to clean himself and find new shorts.

But this was real, that was obvious to him when Ryuichi's arms slid around his shoulders and held them together tightly.

Ryuichi kissed back with expert passion, opening his mouth without Tatsuha even pressing him to do so. In seconds, Tatsuha found his bottom lip trapped between teeth. It was only a mere fraction of time, but it felt like forever to Tatsuha as his heart froze with excitement. Then, the mouth began to pull, to suck, and he felt himself giving a groan before he heard it in a room that was only populated by them, the sounds of rustling, and breathing. Tatsuha had never before been so aware of everything yet nothing at the same time. The heat in his stomach had found its way lower and the press of his jeans reminded him all the more that this was real.

He remembered pulling Ryuichi to the couch, but it was Ryuichi who shoved him down and climbed on top. Through glazing eyes, he stared up and watched with lustful amazement as the most beautiful man on earth straddled his thighs. Ryuichi was heavy, but not too heavy. The weight was wonderful and Tatsuha wanted nothing more than to feel it all over his body. Every movement that Ryuichi made was like a smooth dance, that graceful and measured-- Tatsuha didn't know if this was intentional or natural. All he knew was that in the moon lit room, shadows casting about and light illuminating naked skin, Ryuichi looked better than he had in any dream.

Surrounded by the smell of Ryuichi's body, the heat of his skin, Tatsuha went into autopilot. Years and years of experience had made these acts like second nature. Grasping the bottom rim of Ryuichi's tight shirt, he tugged. Like he had expected this to come, Ryuichi's arms were up. When the shirt reached his fingertips, he grabbed it and took over for Tatsuha, removing it that last inch and throwing it aside. Tatsuha's entire body shivered when he heard Ryuichi's first deep gasp, sitting up with his arms around Ryuichi's waist again and his mouth closing over a small, pointed nipple. Tatsuha had never been so electrified simply touching someone else before. He licked, he sucked, his hands slid. Ryuichi's hands moved through his hair over and over again, sending thrills down his spine.

Moving between nipples, he only pulled back when he felt his own shirt sliding up his body. It took him only seconds to finish the job of yanking it upwards and off, casting it aside the way Ryuichi had done with his own moments earlier. Skin to skin, Tatsuha had groaned and Ryuichi's smile was enigmatic. He couldn't make sense of the triumphant, devouring, possessive smile that stretched Ryuichi's perfect lips. Eyes didn't linger too long, though, because they were soon closing on their own accord. Lips were frantic again, sucking on Ryuichi's tender jaw line as his hands rubbed the hip bones he'd been pining for with his eyes. Stroking them, Ryuichi's shifted his hips and nudged against him in all the right ways.

Tatsuha's pants were painfully tight, hurting him. But, he never wanted this to stop.

Stop it did not. In fact, it only worsened when strong hands grabbed his shoulders and pushed him down, his head hitting the soft arm of the couch harmlessly. Blinking his eyes open, he gazed up at Ryuichi, who stared back down at him. Strands of brown hair fell around Ryuichi's face and tickled his cheeks, their faces that close together. Tatsuha could feel Ryuichi's hot breath, smell the cinnamon candy on it. His tongue pressed against the back of his teeth, sliding through the sliver between them.

He felt so frantic but Ryuichi was so smooth. Calm. Collected. Tatsuha felt like he was going to pass out at any moment, but Ryuichi looked unaffected. Tapered fingers slid down his naked chest, which made him suck in a sharp breath to keep from giving the groan that bubbled in his throat. Never in all his dreams did he ever imagine that one day Ryuichi would touch him this way. Hands continued downward, drawing a teasing circle around his bellybutton.

And then they were there, on the clasp his jeans, tugging. Tatsuha heard and felt them pop open, releasing some of the pressure that had been building up. It was incomprehendable that Ryuichi was sliding his jeans down, shifting to sit up from his thighs so that the denim could down his legs.

"Ryuichi," he couldn't help but breathe the name, his throat closing before he could get the entire name out, causing it to give a jump halfway in.

Eyes quieted him back to his panting with just a flick upwards.

The removal of his boxers was the expected next step, but that didn't stop him from holding his breath when Ryuichi grabbed those next and slid them down. They joined the growing pool of clothing on the floor.

Naked, he wasn't shy. Tatsuha was confident, above all, and he knew he looked good. His tension wasn't sourced from any self-consciousness, but from expectation again.

Ryuichi's mouth was hot, wetter than anything he'd ever felt around him before. He couldn't stop the hard, deep groan he gave. Hips shifted and pushed up, just a quick and slight nudge as he took in a deep breath to calm down. Thoughts screamed at him from every corner of his brain that Sakuma Ryuichi was going down on him, something he could scarcely believe even as it happened. The soft, wet sounds of sucking clicked in the air, punctuating the act in progress. Only better than hearing it happen was feeling it.

His hands slid over Ryuichi's fragile shoulders, over his upper back. This Ryuichi seemed to like as he shifted and stroked against the motions of his mouth. The tightness in Tatsuha's legs made him want to shift them around, which he couldn't do because Ryuichi was currently perched on them.

It was all happening so fast. Tatsuha couldn't process all of this, which left him with an aching sense of dreading that some of this might be forgotten by him come tomorrow. What if he forgot exactly how these noises sounded or the way Ryuichi caressed his thigh with his free hand? The fact that he could experience something so wonderful and not have it with him forever was awful.

Ryuichi's hands and touches were well practiced. He'd done this a lot, Tatsuha could tell.

Soon enough, Ryuichi's tight pants were removed and they were completely naked together. Tatsuha pulled him down and rolled Ryuichi against the back of the couch so that he could place Ryuichi underneath him. Wild hair spilled out everywhere, laying against Ryuichi's face and eyes. He didn't move to brush it away, enthralled by the tousled look.

Thinking that this could be his one and only chance, Tatsuha kissed every inch of Ryuichi's beautiful, smooth skin.

When Ryuichi's thighs were finally pressing hard against his hips, Tatsuha was in Heaven. Every movement made his body weak. The tightness of Ryuichi around him was unrelenting. The singers voice Ryuichi had cultivated over the years released loud, passionate sounds with every push. Soon, they were too breathless for noises and became nothing more than panting and thrusting. Ryuichi's fingers pushing at his back, kneading into the muscles.

It felt too fast, but it seemed to go on forever for Tatsuha.

After the first time, they moved to the guest bedroom where Tatsuha was staying in for the time being. With more room on the bed, they were more comfortable together.

Neither one of them kept track of the time, they measured themselves by the exhaustion of their bodies. Ryuichi had an inexpendable amount, Tatsuha soon found, and he had youth on his side. By the time the two of them were thoroughly exhausted, the sun was peeking over the horizon.

When Tatsuha woke up, the sun had been up for hours. It was well passed breakfast and nearing lunch. The flood of memories that came to him when he felt the warm, solid lump against his side made him smile through his drowsiness. Cracking an eye, he stole a glance at the sleeping Ryuichi, who looked cute and innocent curled up against him. It was so different from the Ryuichi he'd fallen asleep with, whose eyes had seemed black in the darkness of the apartment last night. Since Ryuichi was sleeping so soundly, Tatsuha decided to stay like this for a while instead of shaking him awake. There was no promising that he'd ever get a chance like this again, so he was taking from it all that he could. He entertained the fleeting thought that they'd get to eat lunch together.

He must have dozed again because the next thing he remembered was hitting the floor.

Startled awake, he sat up in alarm, wide eyes of surprise meeting Ryuichi's confused and equally surprised expression.

"Tatsu?" Ryuichi said softly, curling his legs up and hugging them to his small chest. Tatsuha had never seen him look so frail in all his life. Ryuichi's eyes searched the room, the guest bedroom, tugging at the blankets to cover his naked body. "What am I doing?"

"Sleeping?" Tatsuha couldn't keep the confusion from his voice.

"When did I get here?" Ryuichi's whisper was so soft, it was only the quiet of the room that made it audible.

"Late last night," Tatsuha was at an utter loss. He put his hand on the bed and pushed, lifting himself up. Suddenly, for the first time in his life, he felt self-conscious standing there naked in front of someone. But, it wasn't just that. He felt guilty for being naked. There was a tension in the air, something dynamic that made him feel like any second the world would crack open and swallow him whole.

Ryuichi wouldn't look at him and his lips were quaking as if he were whispering to himself, eyes swelling with held back tears.

"Are you okay?" Tatsuha ventured tentatively. Ryuichi's lips stopped moving and his eyes slid to the side to gaze at Tatsuha. After a few silent moments, he walked to his bag and pulled out a pair of gym shorts to slide on. "Last night…"

"Kuma," Ryuichi murmured, burying his face in his knees.

"You didn't bring him," Tatsuha muttered, snapping the waistband of his shorts into place. "Do you… want me to get your clothes?"

Ryuichi nodded without making a sound.

Padding out to the living room, he plucked up the remnants of Ryuichi's clothes one by one and brought them into him.

Finally, Ryuichi looked up. His hands stopped halfway to the clothes as he studied them, face near crumbling as he surveyed the tight leather and tiny shirt.

That was when it hit Tatsuha.

Ryuichi didn't remember.

His arm felt weak all of a sudden, so he dropped the clothes onto the bed for Ryuichi to grab when he was ready.

"Do you want some coffee?" he asked in a weak voice.

Ryuichi shook his head as he picked at his clothes. "Tohma said that Ryu can't drink coffee and Kuma always tells on him when he does what Tohma told him not to do," Ryuichi breathed. Tatsuha found it suddenly disturbing the form of person Ryuichi was talking in. Normally it was cute, but right now with all that had transgressed last night and this morning, it made his body cold.

"But Kuma isn't here," Tatsuha did his best to comfort the man of his every dream.

"Ryu knows," Ryuichi sniffled, "Ryu should go home and find Kuma or else Kuma will get mad. Kuma will be so mad at Ryu. He'll know what Ryu did."

"What… ? Nevermind," Tatsuha had been ready to ask what exactly it was that Ryuichi did that Kuma would be mad about, but something in him didn't want to know what was going on in Ryuichi's head. As if his guilt wasn't bad enough, he didn't want to have to face the full weight of what was going on right now. Ryuichi didn't remember, but he knew what they had done. For Tatsuha, that felt like rape. He felt like he'd taken advantage of Ryuichi.

"Will Tatsu leave the room so that Ryu can get dressed?" Ryuichi asked.

"Huh… uh… yeah," Tatsuha hesitated before turning around and exiting the bedroom. He didn't want to leave the room. With all that had happened the night before, it hurt that suddenly there was this barrier between the two of them. But, he relented. He turned and walked out of the door, closing it behind him with a soft click. Only when the door was closed did he take in a deep breath and put his hands over his face. "He doesn't remember."

He didn't get to say goodbye to Ryuichi when Ryuichi left. When he heard the front door click closed, he was in the bathroom sullenly brushing his teeth, avoiding his face in the mirror. Something told him that Ryuichi had purposefully timed his exit to when he was out of the room and no awkward words had to be exchanged between them.

Tatsuha had wanted his night with Ryuichi to be the start of something wonderful, something lasting between the two of them. He hadn't wanted it to turn out this way. When he thought about it, he felt excited and alive, and he hated himself for loving something so wrong.

Ryuichi avoided him. They hadn't much contact to begin with, but when they did happen to end up in the same group, Ryuichi always ignored him. When they did get to talk, the need to keep up casual appearances a necessity around mutual friends and acquaintances, Ryuichi always acted like he didn't know who Tatsuha was.

Even still, when he did, Tatsuha could see something begging in the back of Ryuichi's eyes. Without uttering a word, Tatsuha could feel Ryuichi whispering to him. _Play this game with me, Tatsuha. Don't let anyone know_. So, for Ryuichi's sake, he played along with a smile. It was their private game, this give and take of giggles and leachery, pretending always to be near strangers- clueless object of affection and the obsessed.

That was why it surprised him so much the next time Ryuichi showed up at his door, this time when he was staying at a hotel in Tokyo, in town for a music festival. When the knock on the door came, he thought it was one of the friends he'd come with and opened it with a bottle of beer out. Only, it wasn't his friend standing there. It was Ryuichi with that dark, exciting look in his eyes and a devouring smile on his lips. Just like the first time, they ended up in bed. Just like before, Tatsuha couldn't stop himself. But, this time, he didn't let Ryuichi stay the night and Ryuichi didn't seem to mind. This way, Ryuichi wouldn't have to wake up in a strange bed with that ashamed look on his face, unsure of what had happened yet knowing exactly at the same time.

He did that every time Ryuichi came to him with that look, that intensity that was impossible to refuse.

This way, Ryuichi would never know. He never had to know. Only Tatsuha knew what they did together those nights. Ryuichi got to wake up in his bed, clueless and innocent to what they did time and time again and he sank lower and lower into a dark place. It became a hungry habit for Tatsuha, something he was addicted to. He felt a hallow breaking in his heart each time he saw Ryuichi because he knew Ryuichi didn't know what was going on between them, that Ryuichi felt nothing for him but regret for that one night. He was so desperate for Ryuichi to love him that he was willing to accept each night as they came even though he could never have what he wanted the most.

In those moments, he could at least pretend that Ryuichi loved him back.

They never arranged to meet in person or through voice. When Ryuichi text messaged him, he knew what was going to happen. They kept it impersonal that way, just words on a screen and bodies later pressed together.

He tried to convince himself to fall out of love, that if he could stop loving Ryuichi, he wouldn't need this so much. It would be better for both him and Ryuichi if he could start saying no, denying Ryuichi when he messaged or showed up at the door. Yet, he couldn't. Each time he saw Ryuichi at the door, his stomach dropped and his heart spend up. All the love in him peaked and shuddered, and he had to let Ryuichi in.

It felt like he was being pulled along by a thin, almost breaking thread behind Ryuichi. Each time Ryuichi gave him that possessive smile, he could almost see that deep down, Ryuichi knew what he was doing, that he knew each act tied Tatsuha to him deeper and deeper, assuring that he'd never be able to let go. But, Tatsuha realized that it was this that kept him going, too.


End file.
